Archive for the Funnies Category

The Black Bra

Posted in Funnies on 01/22/2009 by Susan Shay

The other day I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends. One is engaged, one is a mistress, and of course I have been married for 20+ years.

We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by wearing a black leather bra & bodice, stiletto heels and a mask over just our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.

Here’s how it all went:

My engaged friend: The other night my boyfriend came over and found me wearing a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, ‘You are the woman of my dreams. I love you.’ Then we made love all night long.

The mistress: Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing the leather bodice, heels and mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat he didn’t say a word, but we had wild sex all night.

Then I had to share my story: When my husband came home I was wearing the leather bodice, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. As soon as he came in the door and saw me he said…

“What’s for dinner, Batman?”

BOOBIES!

Posted in Funnies with tags , on 10/31/2008 by Susan Shay
HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

Funny Puns

Posted in Funnies on 06/25/2008 by Susan Shay

I laughed out loud at some of these–

Thanks Ann for sending them to me today. I knew you’d enjoy them, too–ss

Here are the 10 first place winners in the International Pun Contest:
 
1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons.  The flight attendant looks at him and says, ‘I’m sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.’
 
2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall.  The one turns to the other and says ‘Dam!’
 
3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft.  Not surprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.
 
4. Two hydrogen atoms meet.  One says ‘I’ve lost my electron.’  The other says ‘Are you sure?’  The first replies ‘Yes, I’m positive.’
 
5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal?  His goal: transcend dental medication.
 
6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.  After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.  ‘But why?’ they asked, as they moved off.  ‘Because,’ he said,’ I can’t stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.’
 
7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption.  One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named ‘Ahmal’.  The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him ‘Juan.’  Years later, Juan sends a picture of him self to his birth mother.  Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal.  Her husband responds, ‘They’re twins!  If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Ahmal.’  
 
8. A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds.  Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair.  He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not.  He went back and begged the friars to close.  They ignored him.  So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to ‘persuade’ them to close.  Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he’d be back if they didn’t close up shop.  Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.  
 
9. Mahatma G Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet.  He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.  This made him (Oh, man, this is so bad, it’s good) a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
 
10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

Off Day.

Posted in Funnies on 05/01/2008 by Susan Shay

Thanks to my friend, Debi, for this funny.

I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not allow me to take leave.  
I thought that maybe if I acted crazy, then he would tell me to take a few days off.

So I hung upside-down on the ceiling and made funny  noises, My co-worker ( who’s blonde ) asked me what I was doing, I told  her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so, that the Boss might think I  was crazy, and give me time off.

A few minutes later, the Boss came into the office and asked; what in the name of God are you doing?’

I told him that I was a light bulb.

He said: ‘You are clearly stressed out – go home and rest for a couple of days,’ I jumped down and walked out of the office….. When my co-worker ( the blonde ) followed me the Boss asked her;  ‘ And where do you think you’re going?!’


( You’re gonna love this…..)  

She said ‘I’m going home

too, I can’t work in the

 dark !’

  

Easter Fun

Posted in Funnies, writing with tags , , on 03/21/2008 by Susan Shay

easter-tramp.jpg

easter-egg.gif

EGG DYING CONTEST

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This isn’t exactly what I had in mind when I asked you to paint the walls “Eggshell.”

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Adorable Easter babies.

 

A few Easter tips.

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In case you can’t read them, here they are:

TIPS FROM THE EASTER BUNNY:

1- Don’t put all your eggs in one basket.

2- There’s no such thing as too much candy.

3- Some body parts should be floppy.

4- An Easter bonnet can tame even the wildest hare.

5- The grass is always greener in someone else’s basket.

6- Let happy thoughts multiply like bunnies.

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Our Easter traditions seem to change as our kids get older, but I like to have everyone home for at least one meal (I’m smoking brisket for the feast this year) even if they can’t make the rest of the day.

In the best of all worlds, they’d all be home for church, too.

How about y’all? How do you celebrate?  

A Friday Funny

Posted in Funnies on 02/22/2008 by Susan Shay

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Yesterday I went to the doctor for my yearly physical.

My blood pressure was high, my cholesterol was high,

I’d gained some weight, and I didn’t feel so hot.

  My doctor said eating right doesn’t have to

 be complicated and it would solve my physical

 problems. He said just think in colors…

Fill your plate with bright colors… greens,

 Yellows, reds, etc.

I went right home and ate an

 entire bowl of :

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Works for me! <g>

My thanks to BF Meg Reid and her beautiful daughter, Amy, for today’s funny. Oh, and thanks to whomever writes Maxine. You’ve given me countless hours of laughter . . . which is, after all, the best medicine.

Blonde Joke

Posted in Funnies on 02/13/2008 by Susan Shay

Why did the blonde put condoms on her ears?

She didn’t want to get hearing aides.

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